How come some people don't learn from past mistakes? I am not saying that I have always done so, but some things just seem to big to not learn from. Okay here's where I'm going with this...but first some background for those that may not know the trials and tribulations I have gone through in the last 2 years.
On March 24, 2008 my life changed drastically. I underwent gastric bypass surgery. It all seemed to go well and I was in the hospital for 4 days and then came home to rest and recoup and start my new lease on life. Well that didn't last long because on Monday March 31st, in the afternoon I started to have some problems and that evening I called my surgeon's office and they told me to go to the ER that I was most likely just dehydrated and needed fluids. Little did I know that the next few months were going to really put me through hell and back. In the ER they discovered that the part of my intestines where they do the Y part of the gastric bypass had collapsed in on itself causing an obstruction. I was admitted to the hospital in the wee morning hours of April 1! Yep April Fool's Day..go figure. Anyway, I was in there for 2 full weeks, going through xrays every single day and ending up with a PICC line for nutrition and for the first week, honestly feeling like I was going to die. I had my "plans" all worked out in my head about where the kids would go and what they would take with them from our house to their dad's and so forth. Every day I was getting sicker and sicker and they weren't doing much about it. Wednesday April 9th, I underwent a second surgery (one that included opening me up completely) to fix the blockage. When I came too from that surgery I knew that they had fixed the problem as I felt so much better. Now came the long road to recovery, which fully started the day I was released which was April 15...yep Tax Day! LOL
Anyway, the entire time I was in the hospital, my husband came to see me 4 times, that's right, 4 times in 2 weeks! the first was when he brought me to the ER, second time he came up for about an hour one weekend with the kids, third time was for my second surgery and the fourth time was to bring me home from the hospital. I saw my EX husband more, as he would bring up Tyler and Jacob to see me and visit. My husband didn't even call me every day to see how I was doing either, I can't honestly remember how many time he did call but I know it was maybe 3 or 4 at the very most. I do not know how I would have made it through those dark dark days of my life without my sister, Lisa, who did call me every single night to check up on me and her and my neice Celia who came to visit with me and make sure that I took my walks and played card games! (I love you guys!!) This time in the hospital really made me do some serious thinking about my life.
About a month after I got home, Mike and I took Austyn to his psychiatrist appoinment and I couldn't keep my mouth shut and let them both tell the Dr that everything was just great! I layed it all out and told him what a toll everything was taking on my marriage and he basically said to us that if we don't get into marriage counseling it would most likely only get worse. I totally agreed and so did Mike...while we were there anyway. It's now been almost 2 years later and Mike says that we can't "afford" counseling and I say that we can't afford "not to go" to counseling, but of course, like always he wins.
We were driving somewhere the other day and I asked him what happened with his first marriage, why did it fall apart. (now mind you I have heard this story many times, but was hoping that he would see some parallels with his marriages). He went on to tell me that L wanted a divorce because there just wasn't any hope anymore of things working out. She wanted counseling and he said that he didn't think it was a necessity at the time. He said that he can see the mistakes that he made. I just sat there flabbergasted (once again) because we NEED counseling or something for this marriag and he just doesn't see it. I can honestly say that I think I kinda know where L was coming from with why their marriage fell apart. (now she did cheat and that didn't help, but he did want to fix it, just not with outside help)
It's just really bothering me that I am unhappy and just don't feel like he gives a crap about it. I can't tell him anymore that I am unhappy and that things have to change because it just goes right over his head. I guess all I can do is "Start Believing" that what I am doing with school and all will eventually put me in a position that changes will happen, good or bad. Please understand that I DO NOT want another divorce, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy and miserable either.
Okay sorry for the novel tonight, I just needed to get things out!
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